Let's Talk About Life...

My feelings this week can only be described through the lyrics of Sam Smith's ballad, "Lay Me Down"

Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be where I was, right there, right next to you.
And it's hard, the days just seem so dark,
The moon and the stars are nothing without you.
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I'm missing you.
Tonight this emptiness, this hole that I've inside
These tears, they tell their own story.

You told me not to cry when you were gone,
But the feeling's overwhelming,
It's much too strong.

Can I lay by your side?
Next to you, you...
And make sure you're alright?
I'll take care of you.
I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight...

I'm reaching out to you...
Can you hear my call?
This hurt that I've been through...
I'm missing you, missing you like crazy.

You told me not to cry when you were gone,
But the feeling's overwhelming, 
It's much too strong..

Can I lay by your side?
Next to you, you...
And make sure you're alright?
I'll take care of you.
I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight.

Lay me down tonight.
Lay me by your side.
Lay me down tonight.
Lay me by your side.

Can I lay by your side?
Next to you, you.

It's really all in that first paragraph. That's all I have to say about that.

It's been over a year since I posted last. So much has changed. My entire life, my entire being, and everything about me has changed!

I quit teaching in November of 2012. I was at the lowest point of my life, extremely depressed and didn't like where I saw my life going.....nowhere.

I started singing again and went back to grad school. I live in Chicago now, and I've lost around 60 pounds.

I feel like a new person, and a more authentic, much happier, healthier, and confident version of myself.

I've been dating, which has been a new experience and also changed the way I look at myself.

First, there was Peter. He was really great. Super sexy, 25 year old music teacher, gentleman, and our sexual chemistry was OFF THE CHARTS. We had quite a bit in common and he showed me some great times, and so fun places in the city. We dated for about 6-7 weeks. It ended because he rediscovered feelings for his ex girlfriend. It was a very amicable break up. No hard feelings. I cherish the moments we had, but I was ok with it ending.

Now, we have...we'll call him Taylor Lautner. So Taylor and I were really great friends, always there for each other, being completely honest with each other, and lifting each other up. However, Taylor and I were just best friends, because Tracie was dating Peter, and Taylor was dating.....Jennifer Love Hewitt. Taylor and Jennifer went on a "break" around the time Tracie and Peter started going out. And then when T and P called it quits, Taylor and Jenn ended it for good...that very same day. Just a coincidence. Tracie and Taylor were both upset, and needed the advice and comfort of a good, brutally honest friend. So they went out for brunch together the next day and talked, and it was a great afternoon. Over the next couple of week, Tracie started showing interest in other guys again, and asking Taylor for advice as usual, and Taylor would oblige her with honesty and reassure her of her greatness. Taylor always saw the best in Tracie. One day, Tracie realized she might think of Taylor as more than a friend....they spent more and more time together, and it was clear that those feelings were mutual. Meanwhile Jennifer, though the ex, is still around. Jenn and Taylor were together long enough to be common-law spouses! Tracie was aware of this and proceeded with caution. But Tracie and Taylor could not stop what was happening between them...it was like gravity was pulling them into each other, and they were powerless against it. Well, one day T and T finally got physical. And now they are super happy and loving each other's company. But it's a delicate situation, because Jennifer and Tracie are sort of friends, and Tracie doesn't want to cause any hard feelings. Taylor is pretty confident that what is happening is fine, natural, and none of Jenn's busness. So they continue as friends at school, and lovers elsewhere. They are happy and they are falling in love. To be conitnued.....

So yeah. LOL. I love Chicago, I'm happy to be singing again, I'm confident in my body, and I love pretty much everything about my life right now. The Taylor situation is tricky, but wonderful. :)

I just need to get some stuff out of my brain.

Its such a hard thing to say, but I am really insecure. ESPECIALLY when it comes to guys. I have NEVER been confident with the opposite sex. When I was younger, I never felt pretty or attractive to guys, and I think I overcompensated by being overly sexual, because that always got their attention. That has sort of evolved into a much more dangerous pattern. What happens is this: I start liking a guy in a crush sort of way for whatever reason, and I convince myself that I just want to have sex with them. I think subconsciously I'm too afraid of being rejected romantically because I just have never felt like a guy has LIKED me more than just for sex. Anyway, I flirt with them and have sex with them (it's easy to get sex...guys will have sex with anything). And of course, after the sex, I REALLY fall for them...and OF COURSE they don't...because I was the easy girl. No one wants to date the easy girl. Duh. And then I get butt hurt and upset that they don't want to be with me or don't like me. It's really messed up.

So that brings me to my current situation. There's a guy I really liked when I was in Louisiana. We worked together, and I liked him, and then I invited him over to my place, we got drunk, and had sex. After we had sex, I kept wanting to hang out and he somehow never could, and I got pissed and things just fizzled. This was 2007. Fast forward to 2010...we reconnected somehow and he told me he really did like me at the time, but something something blah blah blah. So I was like ok whatever. So we exchanged numbers, but didn't really talk much after that one conversation. Fast forward to 2013. He follows me on instagram, and one random night in March we start texting and things get very sexual....and we continue texting until now (about 7 weeks, pretty much everyday). Until about 2 weeks ago, it was only texting, pretty much just sexual. But recently we've had phone conversations and we've gotten deeper, and he's told me things like I'm special and he wants to be honest with me about this and that....and we're seeing each other next week for an amazing night of sex. Which is great. The only problem is, I can really feel myself starting to like him. And I KNOW for a fact that after we have sex, it'll get way worse. He does seem to like me too, but sometimes I question it. And I know that nothing can REALLY come of this because it's long distance, and I'm moving across the country in a few months. I know all of this, but I can't stop myself from continuing to talk to him, and I know I will have sex with him...because I know it'll be good...and I'm starving for male attention, and he's giving me what I need right now. It's just that on days like today, when he doesn't text me very much for whatever reason, I'm left feeling neglected and undesirable...and I start thinking things like, "Maybe he's trying not to talk to me as much because he can tell I'm starting to like him, and he doesn't want me too because he's not that into me...etc" It's a shitty feeling. I wish I was secure enough to not care that he didn't text me today, or that he didn't call. I wish I just knew that he was into me and didn't have to question it. But why would he be into me? I'm just a vagina to him.... At one point he was just a penis to me but it became more for me and that sucks. I'm so stupid for continuing to put myself in these situations. But I'm here now.

Ugh. And now I'm just feeling super needy and lonely. And I take it out on my best friend for leaving me to go be with his boo. And I should be happy for him. I just feel like shit.