Let's Talk About Life...

I just need to get some stuff out of my brain.

Its such a hard thing to say, but I am really insecure. ESPECIALLY when it comes to guys. I have NEVER been confident with the opposite sex. When I was younger, I never felt pretty or attractive to guys, and I think I overcompensated by being overly sexual, because that always got their attention. That has sort of evolved into a much more dangerous pattern. What happens is this: I start liking a guy in a crush sort of way for whatever reason, and I convince myself that I just want to have sex with them. I think subconsciously I'm too afraid of being rejected romantically because I just have never felt like a guy has LIKED me more than just for sex. Anyway, I flirt with them and have sex with them (it's easy to get sex...guys will have sex with anything). And of course, after the sex, I REALLY fall for them...and OF COURSE they don't...because I was the easy girl. No one wants to date the easy girl. Duh. And then I get butt hurt and upset that they don't want to be with me or don't like me. It's really messed up.

So that brings me to my current situation. There's a guy I really liked when I was in Louisiana. We worked together, and I liked him, and then I invited him over to my place, we got drunk, and had sex. After we had sex, I kept wanting to hang out and he somehow never could, and I got pissed and things just fizzled. This was 2007. Fast forward to 2010...we reconnected somehow and he told me he really did like me at the time, but something something blah blah blah. So I was like ok whatever. So we exchanged numbers, but didn't really talk much after that one conversation. Fast forward to 2013. He follows me on instagram, and one random night in March we start texting and things get very sexual....and we continue texting until now (about 7 weeks, pretty much everyday). Until about 2 weeks ago, it was only texting, pretty much just sexual. But recently we've had phone conversations and we've gotten deeper, and he's told me things like I'm special and he wants to be honest with me about this and that....and we're seeing each other next week for an amazing night of sex. Which is great. The only problem is, I can really feel myself starting to like him. And I KNOW for a fact that after we have sex, it'll get way worse. He does seem to like me too, but sometimes I question it. And I know that nothing can REALLY come of this because it's long distance, and I'm moving across the country in a few months. I know all of this, but I can't stop myself from continuing to talk to him, and I know I will have sex with him...because I know it'll be good...and I'm starving for male attention, and he's giving me what I need right now. It's just that on days like today, when he doesn't text me very much for whatever reason, I'm left feeling neglected and undesirable...and I start thinking things like, "Maybe he's trying not to talk to me as much because he can tell I'm starting to like him, and he doesn't want me too because he's not that into me...etc" It's a shitty feeling. I wish I was secure enough to not care that he didn't text me today, or that he didn't call. I wish I just knew that he was into me and didn't have to question it. But why would he be into me? I'm just a vagina to him.... At one point he was just a penis to me but it became more for me and that sucks. I'm so stupid for continuing to put myself in these situations. But I'm here now.

Ugh. And now I'm just feeling super needy and lonely. And I take it out on my best friend for leaving me to go be with his boo. And I should be happy for him. I just feel like shit.