I just need to get some stuff out of my brain.
Its such a hard thing to say, but I am really insecure. ESPECIALLY when it comes to guys. I have NEVER been confident with the opposite sex. When I was younger, I never felt pretty or attractive to guys, and I think I overcompensated by being overly sexual, because that always got their attention. That has sort of evolved into a much more dangerous pattern. What happens is this: I start liking a guy in a crush sort of way for whatever reason, and I convince myself that I just want to have sex with them. I think subconsciously I'm too afraid of being rejected romantically because I just have never felt like a guy has LIKED me more than just for sex. Anyway, I flirt with them and have sex with them (it's easy to get sex...guys will have sex with anything). And of course, after the sex, I REALLY fall for them...and OF COURSE they don't...because I was the easy girl. No one wants to date the easy girl. Duh. And then I get butt hurt and upset that they don't want to be with me or don't like me. It's really messed up.
So that brings me to my current situation. There's a guy I really liked when I was in Louisiana. We worked together, and I liked him, and then I invited him over to my place, we got drunk, and had sex. After we had sex, I kept wanting to hang out and he somehow never could, and I got pissed and things just fizzled. This was 2007. Fast forward to 2010...we reconnected somehow and he told me he really did like me at the time, but something something blah blah blah. So I was like ok whatever. So we exchanged numbers, but didn't really talk much after that one conversation. Fast forward to 2013. He follows me on instagram, and one random night in March we start texting and things get very sexual....and we continue texting until now (about 7 weeks, pretty much everyday). Until about 2 weeks ago, it was only texting, pretty much just sexual. But recently we've had phone conversations and we've gotten deeper, and he's told me things like I'm special and he wants to be honest with me about this and that....and we're seeing each other next week for an amazing night of sex. Which is great. The only problem is, I can really feel myself starting to like him. And I KNOW for a fact that after we have sex, it'll get way worse. He does seem to like me too, but sometimes I question it. And I know that nothing can REALLY come of this because it's long distance, and I'm moving across the country in a few months. I know all of this, but I can't stop myself from continuing to talk to him, and I know I will have sex with him...because I know it'll be good...and I'm starving for male attention, and he's giving me what I need right now. It's just that on days like today, when he doesn't text me very much for whatever reason, I'm left feeling neglected and undesirable...and I start thinking things like, "Maybe he's trying not to talk to me as much because he can tell I'm starting to like him, and he doesn't want me too because he's not that into me...etc" It's a shitty feeling. I wish I was secure enough to not care that he didn't text me today, or that he didn't call. I wish I just knew that he was into me and didn't have to question it. But why would he be into me? I'm just a vagina to him.... At one point he was just a penis to me but it became more for me and that sucks. I'm so stupid for continuing to put myself in these situations. But I'm here now.
Ugh. And now I'm just feeling super needy and lonely. And I take it out on my best friend for leaving me to go be with his boo. And I should be happy for him. I just feel like shit.
UGH.
Dear Scott Hoying...
Dear Scott,
I know you probably get tons of messages, but felt the need to share something with you... You inspire me! I'm a choir director in Houston and was an allstater/opera singer in my past life. I made the decision to become a teacher when I decided I couldn't handle the "life" of a performer. I have been kind of living someone else's life the past year since I began teaching...and not singing AT ALL (except in the classroom). I think I was afraid I would realize how much I missed it and get depressed...I discovered PTX this year and absolutely fell in love. Your voice makes me feel so many things, but most of all, INSPIRATION. You inspired me to start singing again, and share my voice with people. The passion and sincerity in your performances brings me to tears, and makes me remember why I love performing. I listen to your voice almost daily!! It soothes me. Yes, I'm still teaching (I do love it!), but I'm singing again...and SO happy for that. On top of all that you seem super awesome. I know I tweet you weird things constantly (I'm weird) like let's be besties (offer is still on the table :) and we have mutual friends btw) but I do find it amazing that someone who is...20 (?) is so talented, humble, and awesome. Just wanted you to know how you and PTX have impacted my life. I am so happy for your success and feel so much Texas pride!! I am so looking forward to your show in Houston in September and hopefully I'll get to give you a hug and thank you in person!! Me and my friends will be the 5 hot black girls in the very front dancing inappropriately. :) Take care and enjoy your time in Texas!
Love,
Tracie
I suck at blogging. Updates on Travels, Teaching, Canada, and Summer Plans.
First of all, I suck at blogging.
I had this great outlet and way of getting my thoughts out there, and then suddenly I got lazy. Or I was just so content with life, that I didn't feel the need to talk about it. LOL. Whatever the case may be, I clearly haven't blogged since June....and I'm kind of OK with it. But in case any of you were wondering (if you don't follow me on facebook), here's what's been going on with my life.
Summer was fun, but low key. I was pretty broke. But I did get to see a good friend whom I hadn't seen in 2 years!
Then I started teaching in August. It's wonderul. I love my students, etc. The greatest part is now I have money, and I feel like a real adult. I've been able to travel a little. And save. Which has been really cool. Gonna try and get that car in January 2012!
So I went to Boston in October for a weekend. So fun. Had a great time with Fred, Sarah, and other Boston friends whom I miss dearly.
In November I went to Baton Rouge with Jawan. We had a blast and a half. Good seeing old college friends, but it reminded me how OUT of college I am. lol. I felt a little old.
The holidays were wonderful. For the first time in about 18 years, I got to see BOTH my parents on Christmas. We went to New Iberia and it was pretty fun. I got some nice gifts and had a nice time with family.
In February, I went to TMEA for the first time as a teacher! It was amazing. I had 2 students who made all-state! I was incredibly proud. I had a blast doing all the teacher stuff and I saw SO MANY friends from LSU who are now teachers. I mainly hung out with Darren. He is such a blast. I had a nice hotel room to myself which made me feel even more grown up. LOL.
Last month I celebrated my 25th birthday! Whoa. And I did what I was supposed to do - I got to cross something off my bucket list. Skiing. Well....attempting....in CANADA!
It was such a great time with Cat Thomson! She did some amazing things for me for my birthday, and we had a blast just hanging out, catching up, drinking, etc. Great Spring Break Vacay.
Next destination MUST be Hawaii! Well, next big destination. It's gonna be expensive.
So, right now I'm at a place where I totally have spring fever. It's been a wonderful school year but I'm READY for summer!!! We have about 6 weeks left, and I have big plans for the Summer. Big family Disney trip is in the works for July, plus I really want to take the kids to Schlitterbahn, and maybe we can do a Padre trip. I also am of course gonna do the annual tubing day (or 2), Barton, and lots of pool time/barbecues! I can't wait...I LOVE SUMMER!!!
I have a confession
So...it's about time I address my obsession with professional male athletes. I mean, I know it's nothing original. I just get so heated up when I see a talented, passionate, HOT male athletes out there doing their thing....it's inevitable. And they have to have a seemingly intriguing personality as well. I guess it's because I'm just now starting to get into sports pretty hardcore. I'm not super into football yet, but I'm sure that living with my mom during football season for the first time in 7 years will change that! So here are a few of my obsessions:
Eddie House (formerly of the Boston Celtics...now of the Knicks):
Carmelo Anthony (of the Denver Nuggets):
Rajon Rondo (of the Boston Celtics):
Rafael Nadal (Tennis):
So.....yeah, they're hot. Oh how I wish I could have one evening with each of them. LOL. That's all.
♥
BUCKET LIST
OK, so sometime last week I made this awesome decision.
Backtrack - the past couple of birthdays I have run into the typical dilemma - what to do? Where to go? I guess after 21, I wasn't as excited about birthdays. But the great thing about birthdays is they come every year. AND - you can do anything you choose with a little money and planning ahead.
SO - back to my decision. I decided that from here on out (the rest of my able-bodied life), I want to do something I've never done on/for my birthday! This would include going places, doing activities, etc...anything I've ever wanted to do but never made it a priority!
So starting next year (the big 25) I will be crossing things off. The first thing I want to do is VEGAS! Not original, but new to me! So, for my purposes right now, I will start a list of things I wanna do/places I wanna go...and i'll add on as I think of more! And I'll clearly do some of this stuff in the Summer/not on my birthday...lol. I guess it's kinda alike a Bucket List? I'm getting an early start. We're all dying anyway, right?
Locations:
Las Vegas, NV
San Francisco, CA
San Diego, CA
Washington, D.C.
Portland, OR
Canada (in general, lol)
Hawai'i
New Zealand
Sydney, AUS
Cancun, MEX
Cozumel, MEX
Brazil
Austria
Ireland
Czech Republic
Sicily
Dubai, UAE
Greece
Japan
Spain
South Africa
Northern Lights
Grand Canyon
Niagara Falls
Activities:
Skydiving
Scuba-diving
Snorkeling
Swim with Dolphins
Jump off a cliff into the ocean
Skiing
Surfing
Whitewater Rafting
Ride in a Hot Air Balloon
Ride an Elephant
Walk a marathon
Try to do the trapese
Go to the Olympics
Go to a major tennis tournament (with mom)
Go to the Conan O'Brien Show
Go to a ballet
Become fluent in French
Become fluent in French
OK...that's a lot. I better get started. LOL.
I'm of the firm belief that you can do anything or go anywhere you want in life, as long as you make the decision to. You just have to make a list, devise a plan, and execute.
I'm Out.
love.
Change, Love, & Loss
Well, it's been a while. A lot has happened. I will try to sum things up the best I can.
First of all, my Boston Celtics made it to game 7 of the NBA finals against the Lakers, and came up 4 points short. It really hurts. I know it may sound silly to you non sports fans, but as a die hard fan - I am very attached to my team. When they win, I feel like I've won. When they lose, I lose. I could barely sleep the night before game 7 and was nervous and jittery all day. It hurts so much to see a group of guys that love each other, fight so hard night in and night out, and personify the true meaning of "TEAM," lose. To come this far and lose. And to know that this was their last, BEST opportunity to win. Ahhh....it sucks. But I love my team and I'm proud of them. I'm sad for them, and I feel for them. But....there is always hope for the future. Celtic Pride for life. I'm in it for the long haul. "And that's all I have to say about that," -Forrest Gump.
LOL.
In other news, we moved. Yeah. I know I was supposed to post a big dramatic blog about moving and the house and the times in the house, etc....it was just too hectic of a time. And very emotional. I had to be strong. I didn't need to give in to nostalgia. It was a hard situation, but it was our situation, and we had to get through it. It seemed like leading up to the move, everything that could go wrong, WAS going wrong. Closing was delayed. Money problems. The apartment almost wasn't ready. Bank screw-ups. The list goes on. BUT, I am sooo thankful to GOD because we made that really tough transition with minimal tears and only 1-2 days of "funk" to get through. I'm so proud of my mom for making it. But I don't think I've given her any choice. lol. I don't let her mope. You gotta pick yourself up when you get knocked down, and keep on moving. That's life.
I did have one day that was exceptionally hard. Really, just a few moments. The last day we were able to go in the house, after we'd already moved into the apartment. I had to go by there to fix one last hole in the wall and paint over it before going to David's grad party. I thought I was ok, but when I got to the Neffs' I broke down a little. To know that I was never going to go in that house again...it was sad. I hated crying at David's party, and taking attention away from his achievement. But it was brief. I hugged Susan and I cried. I loved that house, and I loved my adolescence growing up in that house. All the family times, friend times, mayhem, and peace. Holidays, birthdays, barbecues and sleepovers. That was a cherished 14 years, but I can only hope that the next 14 will bring just as much happiness. One thing I've definitely learned through this is that, as cliché as it sounds, home IS where the heart is. Mom and I have moved into this apartment, and honestly, it feels like home. Yes, there's less space. We bump into each other a little more. We don't have a yard. But it's ok. We're doing ok. We get through everything together, in love.
Speaking of love, I've been loving my Summer. It's been low key, but I've already had some great days with friends and family. I love the people in my life. I'm excited for what each day may bring. I hope to start getting out more and maybe to meet a man at some point. lol. We'll see.
One thing I am NOT happy about is how my good eating/exercise habits have totally fallen to the wayside. Once I started working at Maggiano's, it was almost instantaneous. My sleep schedule immediately got off track which ruined my energy for exercise. Also, I started slowly nibbling on the Maggiano's food which led to basically eating whatever I wanted. So everything is out of whack. I wasn't making enough money for what it did to my life, so I quit (after I applied at Goodwill Staffing). I will be fine to live/pay bills through July with what I made. I should be starting a temp job any day now. I didn't want to have a period of not working, but I had to give Mag's 2 weeks notice, and I didn't know when Goodwill would call (they only give 24 hours notice before you have to start) so I didn't want to have to just up and quit. lol....We'll see. In the mean time, I'm applying for other temp jobs. We'll see what comes of it.
That's about it.
OH! And Jazmyne and Samuel graduated from 5th grade. haha. My babies are growing up (especially Jaz). She moves in with us this weekend. Gonna be fun!
I'll leave you with some pics from the past few weeks.
SO BUSY!!!
Hey y'all....sorry I haven't updated in a couple of weeks. Everything has been super crazy and I've had no time to put up a quality blog, but SOON!!!!
XOXO
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